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STUPID


I was digging up the veg patch

Put the fork straight through my foot

Now it's firmly pegged inside my shoe

Bloody stupid fork I yelled

Was not politely put

But in the moment nowt else i could do


Oh don't call me a fork

I'll never let you walk

That's toolist that is shameful that's abuse

You really must say sorry

Wher'es yr tongue let's hear you talk

Not another gardener's lame excuse


I hobbled to the toolshed

To consult the sacred twig

The sage of garden etiquette and style

The pitchfork rebellion

Did spawn some who could dig

They fought for recognition

For some while


You need to get a grip

You must try not to slip

Perhaps some spit upon your palms will do

Chain mail, spells and armour

Other useful tips

And maybe gloves in case it bites you too


Spit on my hand

Spit on my hand


I was very very careful

Not to call her something rude

Avoided all the common figs of speech

Like stupid pointy, spiny, tiney

Prickly, shafted dude

Sorry but I cannot see the breach.


Like a spade it is a spade

A distinction clearly made

A fork's a fork, a jug's a jug as well

A hammer ain't a nail

A bar is not a blade

Welcome to the woes of toolist hell


So here's a little trick

To engage the little prick

Pretend to have a speech impediment

Rattle off a list of any words that nearly fit

And any more you might care to invent


You stupid furk

You stupid spork

You stupid berk

You stupid knork


You stupid zork

You stupid walk

You stupid talk

You stupid fork



Stupid stupid stupid stupid fork

Stupid stupid stupid stupid fork

Stupid stupid stupid stupid

stupid stupid stupid stupid

stupid stupid stupid stupid fork



I was sitting in the chamber

List'nin to the old hag speil

On Hansel's and Gretel's great old wit

Not fooled by  the sweeties

She used to build a deal

When it's really only made of shit


Oh my poor Maggie May

I'll be careful what I say

I'll not call you a Woman any more

I could call you thingy wotsit

Numpty spade or slag

But please declare the preference

On the door

 

I held hands with the Greenham girls

But I spit on my hand for you,

Spit on my hand

Spit on my hand for you

Spit on my hand


I held hands with the Greenham girls

But I spit on my hand for you,

Spit on my hand

Spit on my hand for you


You stupid furk

You stupid spork

You stupid berk

You stupid knork


Stupid

You stupid


Listen listen listen stupid


© MOTH 2017

To the tune of Nellie Grey….


Jeremy Corbyn was slated for calling Mrs May a “Stupid Woman”. It seems that the word “woman” caused more offence than the word “stupid”.


I imagine he considered calling her a stupid person of indeterminate gender but in the heat of the moment he felt that “woman” was more accurate.


He had a similar scenario in the veg garden when he offended some tools. There was a bit of a problem with garden forks identifying as digging implements rather than poking implements.


LIT NOTES


Tiney = endowed with tines


A spork is normally a cross between a spoon and fork like a cutlery spoon with short prongs on the leading edge. In this instance it’s half spade half fork.


A knork is normally a cross between a knife and a fork.


A zork is mythical creature. Things are getting a bit silly by this stage.



(October 2019)

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